Originally ran in The Tusk April 2017
IF YOU LIKE THE DARK WEB, YOU’LL LOVE MY COMPACT DISCS
Today is the day I start dealing contraband on the Dark Web. That’s right, the online black market for unrighteous items you can't buy or sell in broad daylight.
Behind its veil of 256-bit encryption, I'm selling something far worse than unmarked AK-47s. Something I don't dare speak of in the presence of ears—my haunting collection of compact discs.
I can't live another day with the harrowing reminder of my prior music sensibilities. And I won't have to once I go stealth mode and dispose of the evidence. I’ll be free from the gnawing shackles of my shameful listening habits.
SIDENOTE: If you're unfamiliar with the term "compact disc", it was a circle-shaped piece of plastic used to play music in the 90s and early 2000s. Years later, jammed neatly into a random pile of crap, stowed in a battered U-Haul box, they lie idle in their polystyrene coffins, collecting dust and guilt. But today, today I dump the body of my rotting collection into an abyss so deep you'll need a Tor browser installed to sniff it out.
You understand. I have a reputation to uphold. Just as you, my dark web customer, probably have a weapon to conceal or fugitive to harbor. But enough about me, let’s talk about your nefarious self. If your music taste is anything like your online shopping palate, you’ll go absolutely bonkers for my product.
There’s no doubt you’ll go head over house-arrest anklet for Hoobastank’s breakthrough album. And the vocals on Fall Out Boy’s Infinity On High will blow your mind worse than your drug habit has.
I got more plastic here than the backside of a Hyundai, so when you’re crusin' the darknets to score some military-grade tear gas, don’t miss your chance to snag Linkin Park’s debut LP.
And the next time you go looking for a good hitman, or just need to arrange a prison raid, arrange for procurement of Good Charlotte’s sophomore record while you’re at it.
Born without a conscious? Perfect, so were the people who made this music.
Whether you’re into 3 Doors Down, Third Eye Blind or 3rd degree assault, if you play your bitcoins right, this embarrassing shame could be all yours.
Is your crime syndicate expanding into new international marketplaces, unloading boatloads of brown brown, further solidifying yourself as an online kingpin and merciless drug lord, completely void of dignity and good nature, leaving nothing but irreversible destruction in your wake? Sounds like someone might be a Nickleback fan!
Listen, BO$$DAWG1999, if you own a spot on America’s most wanted list, it’s only right that you own America’s most hated music.
We’ve all committed crimes we aren’t proud of (I once dropped $17 on a Creed album), but let’s get real: you’ve lived an abnormally immoral life, ergo, no point going clean now. This is your ticket to spending virtually untraceable money on virtually unlistenable music.
So turn off your cookies and your JavaScript, you filthy animals, hide your IP addresses, fire up those firewalls, and slither on down to the underbelly of the Internet—it's time to lurk behind cloaked servers and purchase music no decent human being would ever dream of!
Oh, and I’m happy to ship overnight, or meet you deep in a forest wearing ski masks.
SERIOUS CRIMINALS ONLY, PLEASE!!!